Let your heart break completely…
The devestating pain of a breakup can be immensly intense. Our tendency is to shut ourselves off from this pain and seek distraction. I have learned to let the pain move through me, so that it gives me strength and relaxation. I can teach you how to do this too!
No, I’m not saying you should just let everyone break your heart.
But if someone broke your heart, let it break completely. Don’t hold it back, don’t keep the fragments together.
Focus on the pain. Bring your complete awareness to your pain..
Take a deep breath and use your breath to connect deeper with the pain.
With each inhalation, you focus on the pain in your heart. With every exhalation you give sound to your pain.
Heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences we can have. I had heart broken quite a few times in my life. In between these fases I forgot how painful a broken heart was, and every time it happened again, I would be amazed at how painful it was. Even if I had ended the relationship and also when I agreed with ending the relationship.
We feel this heartbreak as a physical pain in our heart. It feels like our heart will literally break. This severe pain is scary. I always fought this pain. I was afraid of what would happen if I would surrendered to it. I thought if I would really let my heart break, I would never be able to stop crying again. That the pain would destroy me beyond repair.
In order not to feel the pain, I always looked for as much distraction as possible. I dived into movies, alcohol and rebound sex. For the first few days, I told my friends that I was sad, but even then I felt I had to solve it myself. That I had to get over it quickly and that all the grief was exxageration.
Until I read my teacher Layla Martin’s advice to let my heart break completely. She wrote that your heart can heal again if you let it break, but if the cracks remain, you cannot really be open and love again. And somehow this felt like it was right.
The last time my relationship ended, I let my heart break completely. I gave myself permission to allow all the pain. I gave in to the despair, the sadness, the anger. I screamed, cried, stamped my feet, sobbed. And what I was afraid of did not happen. On the contrary. Because I stayed consciousness of the pain, the anger, the sadness, I went through it. Yelling and stamping my feet gave me strength. Allowing the grief connected me to the love I had for myself. It felt like a storm that I let go through me. It refreshed me, allowed everything to move and resulted in a loving silence in me.
When you feel the pain, you let your heart break completely by focusing on the physical pain in your heart, your stomach, your whole body. Try to let go of your thoughs, release the story, stop analysing. Immerse yourself in your pain and express it with your tears. Your tears, your breathing, the movement of your body, your voice.
Don’t be afraid that the pain engulfs you. You are greater than your pain. You can bear this pain. The fight against the pain, your desire not to feel the pain, strengthens and increases the pain. If you stay focused on the physical pain and express it as your body needs in that moment, you will experience that it is okay to feel the pain. You can carry this.
Feel how the sadness, the pain, the anger, the disappointment, all those intense emotions are energy. Powerful, intense energy. Let this move through your body, surrender to this. And keep in mind that they are all just sensations in your body.
The first days after the break up...
The first days after the break are the worst. You have a stone in your stomach, eating is impossible. Your heart hurts physically. You have a dull feeling in your head and can really only cry. You can’t really talk about anything other than your pain. You have no concentration for a conversation, a book or a movie. Your whole body feels sore. Sometimes it feels like just breathing hurts. Every thought of the days, months and years ahead brings panic. The fear that this pain will always remain, that you will never feel good again.
In these days it is important that you are very kind to yourself. Make sure you are not alone, have friends around you all the time. If you don’t want to sleep alone, you don’t. Only eat things that you like and can tolerate. Don’t ask yourself to go to work or do anything useful. You don’t have to think about the future. The next five minutes is far enough ahead. And if that is still too much, just this moment. Ask yourself how you can feel the best you can in this moment.
And whenever you have to cry, allow it. The grief and pain is so fresh now, this is your chance to process it. Not let it be trapped in your body and therefore build a wall around your heart.