Tantra coaching explained

Tantra coaching explained

What is Tantra coaching exactly?
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Emotion coaching based on Western science and Tantric philosophy

My emotion coaching is based on scientifically proven psychological and Tantric philosophical principles. These principles, applied together in a practical way, form a coaching method which lays the base to live life from a place of strength and happiness. This method helps you to let go of old pain, to be able to daily choose how you feel and to strengthen the connection with yourself and others.

Many people know Tantra only as a tool for sexuality. There, the Tantric principles have been applied to sexuality. My coaching is comprehensive and has no specific focus on Tantra sex.

Tantric philosophic principles


You are consciousness
You are not what you are raised to believe you are. You are not your ego, thoughts and emotions. Awakening is understanding the idea that you are the presence and consciousness within you.

Every day awakening
A big part of the Tantric practice is that you don’t have to put your awakening
on hold until the circumstances are seemingly perfect – you can do it right here and right now in everyday activities.


Social conditioning
Social conditioning and our ideas of ourself hold us back. We create a prison of taboos, fears and discomforts in the unconscious. Liberation is the decision to be free of that which is not true to the truth of us.

Consciousness is unbound
Your consciousness is not bound to any specific ideas, trauma, race or gender. Not being liberated is about artificially constricting our being, aliveness and flow of energy to the ideas given to us by society and external imprints.

Liberation means aliveness
Liberation feels like meeting every moment with a sense of freshness and aliveness.

Everything has consciousnessOr:

Everything is God
Everything is One
There is divinity in everything
There is a unifying presence and consciousness in everything

There are stages in this:

Stage of uniqueness
Being completely yourself and fully inhabiting your divinity in the unique way that it expresses itself through you.

Stage of connectedness
That the consciousness of you is the consciousness of everything, means that everything is connected and this can be a wonderful feeling.

Stage of connection to
the formless ground of being
Which is the fertile emptiness that is the creation of everything, the source of everything.

Tantra principles applied to coaching


Breaking identification
A big part of tantric coaching is breaking the identification with your ego, thoughts and emotions. This means that you can choose to observe and influence them instead of letting yourself be ruled by them.

We are whole
We can feel broken, hurt and irreparably damaged, but this is not the truth of who we are. In the coaching we allow these seemingly broken parts to surface. By loving and accepting them they will integrate and this breaks the illusion of being broken. Healing is about allowing and loving all parts of yourself.

Observing your inner life is meditation. In Tantric philosophy, meditation can be practiced in everything you do: while eating, exercising, making love or just sitting in stillness.


Free from conditioning
In tantric coaching we become aware of our (unconcious) beliefs and see in what way they limit our growth, thriving and happiness. By recognizing this and choosing what we want to believe rather than what society has told us to believe, we can create the life and internal reality we desire.

Suppressing parts
One of humans strongest motivations is to be accepted and belong. This means that if we sense or are told that some part of us is not approved, we suppress this part and force it into the unconscious. Our lack of awareness gives these parts a big influence and power. In the coaching we get to understand and love our suppressed parts, this way they lose their control over us.

Create your desired life
Freeing ourselves from social conditioning frees us from living a life other people expect. We can choose to shape every part of our life. This is a big responsibility, but also releases us from being the victim of life’s challenges and shows how to be the creator of our life.

Everything has consciousness

Our body is alive
Everything has consciousness, means every part of our body has consciousness, both physical and metaphysical parts. The latter can consist of emotions, beliefs, or persona (the wise woman for example). It is possible to observe these and connect to them. The feeling of being our own worst enemey, comes from the opposing desires or beliefs these parts can have. Integrating them is the basis of healing and will lead to in- and external harmony.

Expressing uniqueness
To see the beauty and magic of who we are, plays a big part in coaching. Feeling different gives a sense of not belonging and being abnormal. Understanding that everyone is unique, lifts the pressure of having to be or act a certain way and creates space to allow who we truly are.

What is outside is also inside
Everything being One also means that what’s outside of you is also inside of you.  We try to change our context when we don’t like something, sometimes by asking people around us to change. While this can work, going inside and healing old wounds is much more effective.

What is the effect of

Tantra coaching?

  • Thoughts and emotions no longer have power over you: you are able to direct your emotions.
  • Worrying is a thing of the past. You will no longer be held back by fears, you can quickly let go of anger (and use it to stand up for yourself) and sadness is given space, so that you no longer have to ignore this.
  • That part inside of you, which you think is broken and can never be healed is brought to light. By letting out everything you keep hidden within yourself, you see that underneath there is love and joy and that this is an inexhaustible source of energy.
  • You give yourself more and more space to be who you are, to think what you believe and to do what makes you happy. The opinion and judgment of others is given the place it deserves instead of being predominant.
  • You are no longer in daily battle with your thoughts, feelings and desires, but you experience connection and harmony within yourself, and by extension of this, also with others.
  • Instead of worrying and weighing pro’s and cons you know deep inside of you, what you want and feel. As a result, you no longer have doubts, you create the life you desire and you are able to clearly communicate all these things to other people.
  • By understanding the beauty of uniqueness, you will no longer desire to be ‘normal’  and you will be able to live how you want to live, independent of others peoples expectations.
  • To change your life you no longer have to tackle one area of life at a time: By turning inward you change the epicenter and each area of life changes as a result.
  • Being inside of your body, instead of your mind makes you feel grounded and balanced, and creates space for joy and connection.

Tantric life

The sun shines on your face and you open your eyes. You feel well rested. Then you laugh softly to yourself, because you remember that even in your dream you were happy. You spoon your lover and are filled with love and gratitude for the love you share.

Your mind wanders to the day to come and you feel excitement. Today is an ordinary day, but you get to do the work that fulfills you and you love. You finish work early so you can go for a run and then you and your lover go out to dinner with friends.

You get up because you can’t wait to start your day. You feel excited, thankful and so alive!

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Why avoiding your emotions backfires

Why avoiding your emotions backfires

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You don’t have to be scared of your emotions

Fear of pain
Most people are scared to feel all the pain. We think that if we allow the whole feeling, we will break irreparably or die. We think we know for sure, that the best way to live life, is to avoid feeling these emotions.

Strong enough
But this is not true. Everybody is strong enough to feel their emotions. You just need to know how to do it. When you know, deep in your body, you no longer need to be scared of your emotions. You can even experience pleasure in your deepest pain.

More intense pleasurable emotions
And, as a bonus, you will simultaneously be able to more intensely feel joy, love and surrender. Life will become easier, sweeter and more pleasurable.

Why would you want to feel so much?

Avoiding your emotions or letting them control you

When it comes to emotions we don’t like, we mostly have two modes: avoiding or suppressing the emotion or letting the emotion control us. Most people don’t really know another way. Both supressing emotions and letting them control you, are very unpleasant ways of experiencing an emotion.

Ignoring our bodies signals
When we suppress our emotion, we basically ignore our bodies signals to let us know how we are feeling. When we do this for a very long time (mostly that’s what we do) we become numb. We don’t feel so much anymore. We might feel emotions, when they are very strong, but not when they are still subtle. What we will notice from our feelings is a restlessness, a spinning of the mind and indecision about small and big choices. When we don’t feel our emotions until they are big, it’s often hard to influence them. For example unfelt and unexpressed anger might show itself as a losing of temper and a feeling of powerlessness because of this. Fear probably immediately  shows up as panic, instead of just a little bit of fear.

Numbness prevents feelings of joy and love
Numbness can be nice. When we are or have been in a lot of pain and we don’t know how to deal with this, it can be a big relieve. It can help us move past the most difficult periods of our life. But it doesn’t help us process and let go of these experiences. What’s worse, the numbness doesn’t only work for the emotions we don’t want. It also results in not being able to deeply feel joy, love, pleasure and other emotions we do like.

To be alive is to feel 
Being alive, to me, means to experience. To experience is to feel intensely. When you know how to feel your emotions in a safe way, even pain can become sweet and pleasurable. There is a beauty in allowing the whole feeling, connecting to all the sensations and to surrender yourself to that experience. This surrender is not a giving away control, but a conscious surrender where you are still aware and choosing to do so.

Increasing sensitivity

You can learn to be very sensitive to your emotions, so you can detect them when they are still small and subtle.

Expanding or decreasing your emotions
When it’s an emotion you enjoy and you want it to become bigger, you can choose to do so. When it’s an emotion you do not want, you can intercept it at this subtle fase and work with it, process it.

Feeling is safe
When it’s still small, you don’t have to suppress it. It won’t feel like you will die or break when you allow it and it will leave you in the drivers seat.

Practicing feeling
This sensitivity for your feelings is something you can cultivate. It needs awareness and practice and might be hard, but it is attainable for everyone.

How to safely feel your emotions

Focussing on your body
When you feel an emotion focus on where you feel this in your body. If you notice yourself trying to get away from the feeling, observe this. Don’t force yourself, but wait and see what happens. Use your breath to calm you down. Hold your body to let yourself know that you are safe. Go really slow.

Connect to the sensations
When you are calm, go back with your focus to where you feel this emotion. Observe how the emotion feels, which sensations are showing you that this emotion is there? Is it warm or cold? Moving or still? Heavy or light? Keep focussing on these sensations.

The feeling can disappear
If your focus on the sensations makes them disappear, don’t worry. You are not used to connecting to these sensations, so your body doesn’t feel safe to do this. If you practice this more and more this will change.

When you do feel the sensations, keep focussing on them and use your breath to release the emotion. Then ask yourself, what movement does my body want to make? Do I want to make a sound? Do I want to say something? Is there a way this emotion wants to express itself? If it does, let yourself express it that way. But, keep being aware of the sensations while you do this. It is important that you don’t go into the story of the emotion, but that you keep connecting to the sensations in your body.

Observe yourself
After you have expressed the emotions through sound, movement and breath become aware of how the sensations now feel in your body. Has it changed? Is it the same? Do you need more? Something different?

Teach your body that feeling is safe
When you feel finished, do something loving and nourishing for yourself. This way you teach your body that it is safe to feel.

Would you like to know how to be in the drivers seat of your emotions?

Let your heart break completely

Let your heart break completely...

and come back to self love and peace
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Let your heart break completely… 

 The devestating pain of a breakup can be immensly intense. Our tendency is to shut ourselves off from this pain and seek distraction. I have learned to let the pain move through me, so that it gives me strength and relaxation. I can teach you how to do this too!


No, I’m not saying you should just let everyone break your heart.

But if someone broke your heart, let it break completely. Don’t hold it back, don’t keep the fragments together.

Focus on the pain. Bring your complete awareness to your pain..

Take a deep breath and use your breath to connect deeper with the pain.

With each inhalation, you focus on the pain in your heart. With every exhalation you give sound to your pain.

Heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences we can have. I had heart broken quite a few times in my life. In between these fases I forgot how painful a broken heart was, and every time it happened again, I would be amazed at how painful it was. Even if I had ended the relationship and also when I agreed with ending the relationship.

We feel this heartbreak as a physical pain in our heart. It feels like our heart will literally break. This severe pain is scary. I always fought this pain. I was afraid of what would happen if I would surrendered to it. I thought if I would really let my heart break, I would never be able to stop crying again. That the pain would destroy me beyond repair.

In order not to feel the pain, I always looked for as much distraction as possible. I dived into movies, alcohol and rebound sex. For the first few days, I told my friends that I was sad, but even then I felt I had to solve it myself. That I had to get over it quickly and that all the grief was exxageration.

Until I read my teacher Layla Martin’s advice to let my heart break completely. She wrote that your heart can heal again if you let it break, but if the cracks remain, you cannot really be open and love again. And somehow this felt like it was right.

The last time my relationship ended, I let my heart break completely. I gave myself permission to allow all the pain. I gave in to the despair, the sadness, the anger. I screamed, cried, stamped my feet, sobbed. And what I was afraid of did not happen. On the contrary. Because I stayed consciousness of the pain, the anger, the sadness, I went through it. Yelling and stamping my feet gave me strength. Allowing the grief connected me to the love I had for myself. It felt like a storm that I let go through me. It refreshed me, allowed everything to move and resulted in a loving silence in me.

My approach

When you feel the pain, you let your heart break completely by focusing on the physical pain in your heart, your stomach, your whole body. Try to let go of your thoughs, release the story, stop analysing. Immerse yourself in your pain and express it with your tears. Your tears, your breathing, the movement of your body, your voice.

Don’t be afraid that the pain engulfs you. You are greater than your pain. You can bear this pain. The fight against the pain, your desire not to feel the pain, strengthens and increases the pain. If you stay focused on the physical pain and express it as your body needs in that moment, you will experience that it is okay to feel the pain. You can carry this.

Feel how the sadness, the pain, the anger, the disappointment, all those intense emotions are energy. Powerful, intense energy. Let this move through your body, surrender to this. And keep in mind that they are all just sensations in your body.

The first days after the break up...

The first days after the break are the worst. You have a stone in your stomach, eating is impossible. Your heart hurts physically. You have a dull feeling in your head and can really only cry. You can’t really talk about anything other than your pain. You have no concentration for a conversation, a book or a movie. Your whole body feels sore. Sometimes it feels like just breathing hurts. Every thought of the days, months and years ahead brings panic. The fear that this pain will always remain, that you will never feel good again.

In these days it is important that you are very kind to yourself. Make sure you are not alone, have friends around you all the time. If you don’t want to sleep alone, you don’t. Only eat things that you like and can tolerate. Don’t ask yourself to go to work or do anything useful. You don’t have to think about the future. The next five minutes is far enough ahead. And if that is still too much, just this moment. Ask yourself how you can feel the best you can in this moment.

And whenever you have to cry, allow it. The grief and pain is so fresh now, this is your chance to process it. Not let it be trapped in your body and therefore build a wall around your heart.

Why we need to hurt the people around us…

Why we need to hurt the people around us...

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I saw the pain in his eyes and almost said: “I love you. You are perfect. Don’t go, stay with me.” He felt that we should be together. He gave me his love, his confidence, his care. He made me feel like the most beautiful, sexy and interesting woman on the planet. And it was lovely. But I didn’t feel the same way. 

For most people it is very hard to be truthful about what they desire, need and don’t want. This is especially true when we are afraid our desires will hurt someone we care about. We are afraid to see other peoples pain, we don’t like to think of ourselves as someone who hurts another person and we are scared that we won’t be loved or liked. But to live an intimate, connected and truthful life, demands of us to be honest. And that will sometimes cause pain to ourselves and others.

Seeing the pain we cause

We are so uncomfortable with seeing the pain we cause other people, that we prefer to lie, to stay in relationships we don’t want to be in, to do things we don’t want to do. But by doing this we cause so much more pain than if we would be honest.

Unprocessed pain

We don’t want to see the pain we cause other people, because it touches upon our own unprocessed pain. If we would process our own pain better, then we could just be with the pain of other people. One on the greatest gifts we can give someone is to allow them to feel their pain in our company and just be a witness to it.

We are scared of the intensity of our own pain, because we have never learned how to feel it in a safe and loving way. We suppress our pain until we don’t feel anything anymore or until we burst, but then we suppress it as fast as possible again.

Image of ourselves

We also don’t want to see the pain we cause other people because it interferes with the image we like to see of ourselves as good, kind, loving people. We have been taught that hurting someone is bad and you shouldn’t. And we are scared that if we are truthful and in that hurtful, we won’t be loved or liked anymore.

Avoid unneccesary pain

I am not saying that we should just go around hurting the people around us. Not at all. We should try to avoid causing unneccesary pain. But I do think, that in relationships, especially in romantic relationships, you will always do, feel or say things that hurt the other person. We cannot be ourselves, have our own desires, thoughts and needs without them sometimes clashing with our loved ones.

Don’t insult yourself or the other

We stay in relationships way too long because we are scared of saying the truth and hurting our partner. When dating, people prefer to ghost than to honestly tell the other person they are no longer interested. To me, this is an insult to the other person and it’s an insult to yourself.

People always feel something is going on. They know when you feel less attraction, less love, less desire. They feel it when you create distance. So not saying anything is not protecting them. It’s treating them as less than what they are. You devalue them and by that you devalue yourself.

To live a true life

By being honest with someone you save them from pain, insecurity, self doubt and a life not lived truthfully. You gift them the possibility for a life with someone who desires and loves them.

To not listen to your thoughts, needs and desires, to not bring them into the world is not living a true life. To be honest to yourself, true to your needs, thoughts and desires is to be true to you. Don’t settle for less. You deserve this life. 

My approach

Being honest with other people, starts with being honest to yourself. To be honest to yourself, you need to know yourself. To know yourself you need to reflect on other peoples responses to you, on your actions and on your feelings. I believe we need to start with our feelings. 

When you cannot feel what you want, give yourself the time to feel it. Sometimes it is hard to feel when other people are around, sometimes it is hard to feel because we are scared of feeling.

It helps to close your eyes, feel your body. Where do you feel tension, or relaxation? 

When you first start listening to your body, you might not feel anything. But this is training. You can create awareness around your feelings by purposely focusing on your body in moments of indecision. Don’t give up if you don’t notice anything. Just keep inviting yourself to feel.

To strengthen the connection between your body and your mind it can help to say out loud what you feel and where you feel it. So you might say: I feel a pressure on my chest, it feels heavy and when I focus on it, the pressure moves up to my throat and it makes it hard to speak. It is quite still and cold.

As you do this, you will know how to interpret this feeling. You will know if it means that you need to tell the person you are with, that you do not want them to touch you.

You will see, that when you start following your feeling, it becomes easier and easier to know the truth of yourself.